I'm sorry

Jess

I apologize for not posting in so long. I started cutting, and tried to overdose. I have since become, better. But not without its own costs. I haven't slept properly in a very long time. A very long time indeed. And as for my eating habits, they have slackened to the point of an ED.

I couldn't manage to talk about it, for a very long time. However, I can now. And there are a few other things I need to tell you, but, I'm not sure if I should, through this medium. But that is later.

In other news, my ulcers have quieted down, but largely in part to the lack of food. But dread lays on my horizon, quelling them up again. I fear something is going to happen to a new friend of mine. And I think it's my fault. Well, not entirely, but, because of things I couldn't control, this is how it is. I just hope she'll be ok. I need not more upon my head... But I know that she won't be. Or, in very least, not the same. It hurts me to say that. She is going to get hurt, badly. And soon. I wish I had more control over these things.

I want you to meet my sister, Lauren. Not biological, mind you. But she is just as blood as can be. I think you two would get along.

I've been up far too long, Jess. I need to sleep some day. One day.

I'm trying my hardest. And I've kept my promise.

Love always

Nerl

Dear Jess

I don't know whats wrong. But something really is.

After work today, I went and smoked a lot of pot. I don't know why. I don't really care. I miss interacting with people. I can't handle this stress. I'm falling apart.

While I was at work, the officer who picked me up from there, last time, came in for a sandwich. It scared me a lot, because I'm paranoid and my hands are all scarred up.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could focus or not focus or something. I'm just, lost.

Love always
Nerl

at last at last

Dear Jess

Today has been long. Had to spend the night at my mothers, so I couldn't send you a letter. But I did get to sleep in and have pancakes for breakfast. But that being said, I didn't have my ulcer meds, so it hurt.

Then I went on a walk. The longest I've been on in a while. Was with my new friend, Laura. I worry about her. We walked for hours, and talked. Talked about everything, though I mostly just listened.

Sometimes I forget I can still talk.

I miss you. I miss you.

I'm so lonely. You're the only person I love, and I wish I could talk to you more. But for you, I'll wait. I'll spend all my time on you. You're worth it, for me.

I just wish I had people in my life, instead of being shut up in my room every night. I don't like being stuck in a house with people who resent me. I'm just so depressed tonight. I'm crying.

I love you, I miss you, I need you, and I'll wait for you.

Love always
Nerl

Wow.

Dear Jess

You already know what happened today. I'm glad we talked.

And I'll give you all the time you need. I know it might seem too early, for me, but, if I've learned anything, it's that I need you in my life more then any thing or anyone else. Just do what you think is right.

I'll send a better letter tomorrow. I promise.

Love always
Nerl

PS, I wrote an essay today, in math class.

I'm ready when you are.

Dear Jess

Today was better. Sorry these have been getting short, my father has been cutting off my internet early. It makes it hard to actually type one of these out.

Things look good for me, surprisingly. I hope your life is more stable then mine. I hope I can talk to you soon, for I have things to say.

My stomach was nice to me, today. So I got to eat some chocolate with a new friend.

I didn't talk today, though. I had to make sure I was stable enough to keep composure.

I was. So tomorrow I talk again. I know it bothers you when I don't, but, it does help a lot. Helps with coping, and knowing where I am.

I don't worry for Rebeca, so much. So slowly I'm going to phase out from her immediate life. I'll be there for her if she ever needs it, but I want to know she can stand on her own two feet.

I have her charm on my keychain, now. She's now officially my past. And with this chapter coming to a close, I have a new one coming up soon.

I know it's going to be a better one.

Love always
Nerl

And then today

Dear Jess

Half of my apple, is gone.

Rebeca broke up with me. And I feel like an asshole for expecting it. But oh well, what's done is done. Now I just have to make sure she's ok. I worry.

And today I found out that my stomach issues are either an ulcer or a horrible stomach virus. So that's great. I'm medicated for it now.

I need to talk to you, though. There are somethings you don't send through letters.

Oh, and Charlie is sending you my present, finally. I hope you'll like it.

Love always
Nerl

And I was right

Dear Jess

It WAS too good to last.

Today has been the massive torrent of backed up depressing bullshit just waiting for me to slip up.

My stomach started acting up really badly, today. I got into a fight with Rebeca, so now we have to "talk". I know what's going to happen, already. I freaked out and started walking down the middle of the road, to see if I would dodge. Well, to make sure I would. I was freaking out, and was just making sure I wouldn't do anything stupid.

So THIS is what was going to happen. This is what sets it off. And now all I can do is wait for the repercussions to take place.

I do hate being right. I really do.

Love always
Nerl