I'm sorry

Jess

I apologize for not posting in so long. I started cutting, and tried to overdose. I have since become, better. But not without its own costs. I haven't slept properly in a very long time. A very long time indeed. And as for my eating habits, they have slackened to the point of an ED.

I couldn't manage to talk about it, for a very long time. However, I can now. And there are a few other things I need to tell you, but, I'm not sure if I should, through this medium. But that is later.

In other news, my ulcers have quieted down, but largely in part to the lack of food. But dread lays on my horizon, quelling them up again. I fear something is going to happen to a new friend of mine. And I think it's my fault. Well, not entirely, but, because of things I couldn't control, this is how it is. I just hope she'll be ok. I need not more upon my head... But I know that she won't be. Or, in very least, not the same. It hurts me to say that. She is going to get hurt, badly. And soon. I wish I had more control over these things.

I want you to meet my sister, Lauren. Not biological, mind you. But she is just as blood as can be. I think you two would get along.

I've been up far too long, Jess. I need to sleep some day. One day.

I'm trying my hardest. And I've kept my promise.

Love always

Nerl

Dear Jess

I don't know whats wrong. But something really is.

After work today, I went and smoked a lot of pot. I don't know why. I don't really care. I miss interacting with people. I can't handle this stress. I'm falling apart.

While I was at work, the officer who picked me up from there, last time, came in for a sandwich. It scared me a lot, because I'm paranoid and my hands are all scarred up.

I'm sorry.

I wish I could focus or not focus or something. I'm just, lost.

Love always
Nerl

at last at last

Dear Jess

Today has been long. Had to spend the night at my mothers, so I couldn't send you a letter. But I did get to sleep in and have pancakes for breakfast. But that being said, I didn't have my ulcer meds, so it hurt.

Then I went on a walk. The longest I've been on in a while. Was with my new friend, Laura. I worry about her. We walked for hours, and talked. Talked about everything, though I mostly just listened.

Sometimes I forget I can still talk.

I miss you. I miss you.

I'm so lonely. You're the only person I love, and I wish I could talk to you more. But for you, I'll wait. I'll spend all my time on you. You're worth it, for me.

I just wish I had people in my life, instead of being shut up in my room every night. I don't like being stuck in a house with people who resent me. I'm just so depressed tonight. I'm crying.

I love you, I miss you, I need you, and I'll wait for you.

Love always
Nerl

Wow.

Dear Jess

You already know what happened today. I'm glad we talked.

And I'll give you all the time you need. I know it might seem too early, for me, but, if I've learned anything, it's that I need you in my life more then any thing or anyone else. Just do what you think is right.

I'll send a better letter tomorrow. I promise.

Love always
Nerl

PS, I wrote an essay today, in math class.

I'm ready when you are.

Dear Jess

Today was better. Sorry these have been getting short, my father has been cutting off my internet early. It makes it hard to actually type one of these out.

Things look good for me, surprisingly. I hope your life is more stable then mine. I hope I can talk to you soon, for I have things to say.

My stomach was nice to me, today. So I got to eat some chocolate with a new friend.

I didn't talk today, though. I had to make sure I was stable enough to keep composure.

I was. So tomorrow I talk again. I know it bothers you when I don't, but, it does help a lot. Helps with coping, and knowing where I am.

I don't worry for Rebeca, so much. So slowly I'm going to phase out from her immediate life. I'll be there for her if she ever needs it, but I want to know she can stand on her own two feet.

I have her charm on my keychain, now. She's now officially my past. And with this chapter coming to a close, I have a new one coming up soon.

I know it's going to be a better one.

Love always
Nerl

And then today

Dear Jess

Half of my apple, is gone.

Rebeca broke up with me. And I feel like an asshole for expecting it. But oh well, what's done is done. Now I just have to make sure she's ok. I worry.

And today I found out that my stomach issues are either an ulcer or a horrible stomach virus. So that's great. I'm medicated for it now.

I need to talk to you, though. There are somethings you don't send through letters.

Oh, and Charlie is sending you my present, finally. I hope you'll like it.

Love always
Nerl

And I was right

Dear Jess

It WAS too good to last.

Today has been the massive torrent of backed up depressing bullshit just waiting for me to slip up.

My stomach started acting up really badly, today. I got into a fight with Rebeca, so now we have to "talk". I know what's going to happen, already. I freaked out and started walking down the middle of the road, to see if I would dodge. Well, to make sure I would. I was freaking out, and was just making sure I wouldn't do anything stupid.

So THIS is what was going to happen. This is what sets it off. And now all I can do is wait for the repercussions to take place.

I do hate being right. I really do.

Love always
Nerl

So good it can't last

Dear Jess

Today has been perfect.
Not much more to say about it.

I'm too tired from this day to really explain it in full, but I filmed, talked to Rebeca, and you, ate pitas, and smiled. Everything was good.

Though I still feel the same dread. I don't know why....

But my stomach is feeling better, aside from the normal stuff.

Worry wracks my brain, though. Worry worry worry.

Love always
Nerl

at last

Dear Jess

Today was good. Today was nice. I needed this.

But now that I'm not all angst ridden, I don't know what to tell you...

I had to walk to school today, so that zapped me of a lot of energy early on, but it was nice to do the familiar route. Still got to school silly early... But that gave me time to prepare for the day. Luckily I was preparing for the worst, so when a good day happened, I was so relieved. Saw Brooke a lot more then I thought I would, and we were happy together.

Got to make a fool of myself. It IS thursday, you know.

And I'm glad to hear you had a good day too. It makes me really glad.

But I still can't shake that feeling...

Love always
Nerl

Nothing like waiting

Dear Jess

Again something is going to happen. And I really wish it wouldn't. I can't handle this, already. Why does it have to get harder? I know it'll be my fault, though. I know that much.

The best part is, I'll barely ever get to see her at all for the next month or longer. And her phone has now been pretty much permanently taken away. So there is no contact, there is no time together, there is nothing left. And I'm going to cry.

But I'll survive. I'll survive because that's all I can do.

I hope the doctors are nice, again.

Love always
Nerl

tuesday tuesday tuesday

Dear Jess

I hate being right.

I'm so sorry about you and Ryan. You deserve better. I hope you're feeling okay right now. I wish you wouldn't self medicate, but I understand why. You just be careful about it, please.

It's just gets worse everyday. I don't know what's happening. At least now I know when I'm going to the doctors... But monday is so far away. I'll just have to deal, then.

They found a girl I used to know dead off a path, well, they id'd her today. They found her last week... She was shot then burned...

I'm coping pretty well. I worry about my friends though. A few of them took it pretty hard. Even Charlie was a little shaken. We walked over to the buck or two at lunch, and bought pokemon cards. He cheered up a bit after that. He seems fine, but I still worry.

I still can't talk to Rebeca. It's really not helping at all. Her phone is almost constantly taken away. I want to scream. I'm so fucking lonely.

I hope you're fairing even a little better then I. I miss you.

Love always
Nerl

Somedays it counts

Dear Jess

My dad let me down, there. But he's calling tomorrow morning or I'm just going to go anyways. It's getting worse, again...

Something is wrong. Something is off. I don't know what, and I can't seem to put my finger on it, just yet. Maybe I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop... Something is going to push everything over the edge though. I can feel it.

God I hope she's okay.

God I hope you're okay.

God I hope I'm wrong.

Please, take care. I'm sorry I can't send more but I just can't.

Love always
Nerl

P.S. Please let me know you're okay.

Dear Jess

Today wasn't as bad as I had hoped. My friend Khyle stopped in while I was at work, and he brought granola bars! We sat around and talked for a bit, then he had to go to church. But I am grateful for his presence. And my stomach isn't hurting so much, today. It's resting discomfort is worse, but, whatever. I'll deal with it.

My dad is going to call the doctors tomorrow, so I am nervous...

Rebeca isn't sleeping, again. Not much, at least... I worry and worry about her, even though I know it wont fix anything. But what else can I do? I'm so useless. I feel so tiny, you know? Like I'm so thin I could just snap in a light breeze. I'm not tall, it's just my head's in the clouds. I'm drifting away, because there's nothing I can do.

I managed to have a conversation over the phone with Rebeca, though. It was nice... I miss her so much. It gets worse every day because I just can't seem to not notice she isn't there. It's always present in my mind that I am without her. That I might not see her for a long time. That I have so little control of when I'll see her again. If ever.

I need to find something to take her off my mind. I'm going to lose it. I'm losing it already. I can't spend all my time asleep. Not that I sleep much anyways.

I hope your life is better then mine.

Love always
Nerl

No day like today

Dear Jess

Today, I lifted couches.

I am not supposed to nor are built to do such things. And thus, I am in pain. A lot. But for my troubles I got to eat perogies and the like. Which was delicious until it hurt again.

God I am a wreck.

Texting isn't working well anymore, so I've now lost my only form of communication with Rebeca. I'm in a bad place, right now. Even though I hate texting, I miss her. I miss her a lot and it causes pain. I worry without confirmation of reason, nor comforting of being wrong. I wish she'd phone me, dammit. I don't care that it freaks her out, I can't keep this up. It only gets worse. If I want to get it checked out, I'll probably end up staying in the hospital for a few days. Maybe more.

I wish I could talk to you. I wish you were back home. I need all the comfort I can get, these days.

At least I'll get to talk to Rebeca monday. I get to spend sunday completely isolated from her. Either way I'd be at work. Then we're doing something for my dad's birthday. Augh. Ow.

I hope you can reply, soon. I miss you.

Love always
Nerl

Dear Jess

Today has been horrid on me.

I don't even want to talk about it. It was just an infuriating day. I'm beyond stressed and my stomach is reminding me it. I miss you.

I feel like I'm losing everyone. Between work and skating and other plans and moving my dad's girlfriend in and trying to make plans I simply have nothing left. Nothing for me, nothing for Rebeca, nothing for anyone. I am trying to go to a clinic. Believe me I am. But I simply can't ditch my father now that he has made plans for me. I can't deal with his anger bullshit right now... Not that lifting heavy things helps anymore than that.

I'll deal with it.

Sometimes we sacrifice ourselves, for the others happiness.

But I will be fine. That's what I do. I survive, and keep walking.

Love always
Nerl

Dear Jess

I'm so sorry I didn't send a letter yesterday, I got home at six, laid down, and slept till 6 am today. maybe 7. I had to do my L test again, failed, and just go so mad I had to sleep.

Rebeca's mother has been habitually taking her phone away, for no good reason. It's really hard on me because it's my sole form of communication outside of school. I wish I could phone her or facebook her or SOMETHING because this is too hard on me. I don't understand but she doesn't like when people phone her. I think it's just me, generally, but I'm paranoid.

My stomach was really acting up yesterday. All new sorts of painful. Had to catch the bus downtown to my dad's work, then got off at the wrong stop and ended up wandering around for a while. That was horrible on me. Today it was SO bad, but irritating enough.

I haven't really had a chance to eat yet, today. Since lunchtime yesterday to first block today, I didn't get time to eat. Then first block I had a couple mini muffins, which made it worse. Didn't get to eat lunch because now I'm in Barbershop quartet on thursdays, then finally ate an english muffin during cooking. Got home, had a bit of soup (but not too much, because I had skating) I AM STARVING. Luckily because of the months I've gone with eating even less, I'm ok with it.

Did I mention I slept? It was much needed, however I fell asleep fully clothed so it wasn't great. I'm putting too much strain on myself. I've merely replaced sleep with starvation. I'm so sorry. I'm trying.

I hope all is well on your side, Jess. I really do.
I miss you so much, and hope you come home soon. It isn't the same without you here.

Love always
Nerl

One day at a time

Dear Jess

Ow.

I've been suffering the day. I've been having a feeling of dread floating around me for a long time, now. It's the reason I can't sleep at night. Now it has a face, and I'm more worried then ever.

She had scars, Jess.

Not just old, but new.

It hurt me even more then just her depression. It scares me. It made me feel hollow, like before. When you were... I don't think I can sleep tonight. Not tonight. I'm sorry, I wish I could.

I'm glad I could talk to you, today. It makes everything a little easier to deal with. I've missed you so, so, very much.

Everything seems like its underwater. Everything is slow and baggy. A second could take an hour, but an hour could pass like nothing. I hope you understand. I've been up too long. Time doesn't really, connect anymore. It's all slipping. I really need to sleep.

Maybe I'll get more sleep, soon. I know what I was fearing, so now I can face it and cope. I just hope I can help her. I hope I can help me. I hope I haven't ruined everything.

I'm glad you sent a letter in return. It really helps to hear from you. I hope Maria is feeling better, soon. I wish we could have another phone call like that. You, me, and Ryan, till one am.

This bird flies with a broken wing, now. I miss you.

Love always
Nerl

P.S.
I didn't really notice any mistakes. It's ok if there were any.

Hey Jess

Today was the first day back to school, after the break. I didn't talk in the morning. I know how that bothers you, but I just couldn't. Needed to get more comfortable. I started talking after metal work class started. My stomach didn't hurt me too much, today. It wasn't comfortable at all, but less pain.

I hope you're doing ok. I haven't heard from you in a while. Too long, now. I got your message, though. It made me smile a little. I wish I could talk to you, soon. Oh well.

Rebeca is really worried about me. For fair reason, I suppose. But I wish I could make it better. I'm just so tired. I've been up for two days, now. This might be the third. I wish I could sleep. I wish I knew what was wrong.

I have to go, now. Being cut off soon. I'm so sorry.

Love always
Nerl

Some day soon

Dear Jess

I'm sorry to hear about your Gabby crisis. You shouldn't have to take care of your nephew. It's ok that you couldn't talk, though. I understand.

Things are not good. Rebeca refuses to get help, even though she needs it. She has trouble letting go, and it hurts me. I wish I meant just emotionally. She almost agreed to go, but then instantly changed her mind. And I can't just tell her to, that's not who I want to be. But she really needs it. I don't know what happened to her, but she needs to pick up the pieces and move on. It's killing me to watch her do this.

Maybe I'm just being selfish there, but it's true. I just can't handle it.

Sorry I can't say much more. I'll send another tomorrow.

Love always
Nerl

Dear Jess

I'm sorry I missed talking to you today. I know you have your girls night tonight, but I really needed to talk to you. I guess I will soon enough.

My ulcer has been acting up a lot lately. It's making it hard to eat, and sleep. And the fact that Rebeca has been really depressed these past few days is making this no easier. I don't have any time to calm down.

Today was the last saturday of skating, though. It was nice and quiet. Only about 6 people there. After wards, me and my dad went to Tim Horton's. I remember way back when we would do that every saturday. It was kind of nice just to have that back, just once. Then we had to go home to help Vanessa move in some more. I can't handle all these new things.

I know I shouldn't be working, right now. But I just, I don't miss shifts. If I need to, I will stay home. And by need, I mean doctors orders. I'm too stubborn for my own good. I promise I'll try to take better care of myself. I can't promise I'll actually feel better.

Oh, met up with Charlie today, after work. We walked over to Timmy's (Again!) and he bought me a muffin. We walked around for a little while, caught up. I haven't really hung out with him in months. It was nice to see him, even for a short while.

I hope you're doing ok, Jess. You and her.

Love always
Nerl

Few-day home.

Hey again.

Today my ulcer has truly made it's presence known. I'm trying my best to hide it, but I'm not a good liar. It's been bothering me a lot, today. Enough so that Rebeca worries about it. Which doesn't help. Too much stress. I'm too young for all of this. We're all to young, and always will be.

Today she was over. Just for a short while, but long enough for it to be depressing. We talked a little, but a lot was just comforting the other, to keep them from sobbing. I don't know why we were so sad. I don't know whats wrong. I don't know how to fix anything.

Every day I don't hear back from you makes all of it a little harder to cope. Maybe I'm putting too much stress into it, but it's true. I miss you. It's been too long.

I'm trying my best to stay calm. I really am. But it gets harder, and my stomach gets set off easier each time.

It's getting to the point where my dad has taken notice, and has sat me down, and asked exactly what's bothering me. It takes a lot to get that.

I'm sorry for the short letter, this time. Not much else happened today.

You take care of yourself, and I hope your friend is feeling better.

Love always
Nerl

Hey, Jess.

It's been a long day, today. I'm sorry for ranting at you last letter. I wasn't being fair. I'm sorry for doing that to you, and I'm sorry that now I'm just going to use you as a shoulder. I'm a terrible friend.

I've been spending too much time dwelling on the past. And too much time predicting the future.

I hate myself for being right, sometimes.

There is solace, I find, in being corrected. To know that even though you're wrong, you can learn, and are. But when you're right about something, and you don't know why, nothing is learned, nothing is gained, and sometimes, you might not like the answer.

I miss her. I'll get to see her, tomorrow, but only for a few short hours. I don't think she really knows how hard this is on me. But Rebeca is a nice girl. She cares.

This is where I was right, today... She is supposed to come over, and I figured, she'd be over around 1, more likely 2. Then I guessed, despite myself, "Oh, knowing her parents, she'll have to leave at 4."

So it turns out, she'll only be here for a few hours.

I haven't really been with her in a month or so.

But moving along, because I'm sure you want to hear about my romantic life so much... I might have an ulcer. I'd like to think I don't, and that I have no reason to have one, but that being said, I probably do, and I have too many reasons. It kind of stings, in my stomach, every now and then. Maybe I'm just not eating proper... Right?

Whatever the cause, it's painful, and I'm unhappy.

I've got to go, sorry about the sob story. Dinner is waiting

Love always
Nerl

And yay, it doth begin.

Good evening

Though, now it is truly morning. But my time is wasted awake. Maybe I need help with that, but it's the least of my concerns...

Sometimes, you know, I need to know people are real. It's been one of those weeks. I feel kind of, disconnected. Like every person I meet is just a figment of my imagination. It's not so bad, I guess. But sometimes I'd like to hear from people, instead of the short hand auto-response I always get. And I'm grateful for you.

I read the book you sent, again, last night. I just, it comforts me. Though I didn't sleep at all. For all it means, I needed that book. I wound up writing all through the front cover, and I'm sorry... I had to. Maybe one day, I'll show you what I wrote.

On that note, I like how you wrote all throughout that book. It makes it more, personal. I managed to make it through the whole book without crying, this time.

I wonder, to this day, if you ever got my present for you. I hope you did, but I'm sure you didn't.

I miss you. All the things we've been through. You always listened, and knew just what to say. And I'm sorry if I'm putting our relationship on a pedestal, because it's ruining what I have with Rebeca. I know we ended it a long time ago, but you know exactly how hard that was. I don't think I'll ever have anything like what I had with you, and I'm sorry I ruined it for us. I wish I hadn't.

Do you remember when you said "I forgive you"? It shattered me. I knew I did wrong, but for you to just accept it, and live and let live? I felt so bad to do that to you. You deserve better. You'll never accept it, or understand it, but, you do.

And the things you do to yourself now? You're the Charlie to her Patrick. Friends don't do that, because it's just, you're lying. And you both know it. I wish you'd be honest with her, Jess, because you both deserve it.

Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. I know. But at least with Rebeca, I'm honest.

Spring break is almost half-way done. So expect more letters from me, maybe. When school comes back, I'll try to send one everyday.

I can't keep this up, I'm almost in tears already. Please, take care, and do what's right. Please.

Love always
Nerl